Why My Hope & Optimism Flickered but Only for an Ephemeral Moment Yesterday: A Tale of Self Imposed Idleness and Newspaper Production Treachery

I was elated at Mr. Obama's election Tuesday Night. It became a Tuesday that surpassed even the most super of Super Tuesdays. When my drunken revelry ended I returned home and dozed off, dreaming of black sheep and change and the stuff fairy tales are made of (viz. Obama's sweat and the water that's collected in his shower drain). When I woke up it was a new day. A bright new day with infinite happiness producing possibilities all at my fingertips. I had a smile on my face and a spring in my step and I basked in all the post election reporting that was going on. I was consuming all the news: online, on cable TV, on the Radio... all the news, save for one exception: "all the news that's fit to print". Where was my morning paper? My family doesn't get the paper regularly anymore, who does these days? And that beckons a side note: yes, I live at home with my family. And yes, I'm almost 30 years old. I don't currently have a job and in my case that really does mean I do absolutely no "productive" work. Consequently, I have TONS of free time on my hands. It's a lot like that song by the Styx, which for some reason I always thought of as being by Foreigner until I actually wrote this essay. The chorus is "Too Much Time on My Hands". Ah, the power of the Internet to educate AND simultaneously destroy the newspaper industry's pursuit of revenue and growth. So where was my hard copy? My "GOBAMA" headline. Where was my November 5th edition of the WSJ or NYTimes or more realistically in the East Bay my Tri Valley Herald, Mercury, or Contra Costa Times? At 11AM I set out to find a copy; happy go lucky, carefree, optimistic of the bright future ahead... or was I? It seemed that I was already feeling the cold unforgiving burden of a looming shadow. I soon realized it was just our typical 60 degree Fall California weather, not a cold unforgiving burden. Whatever that is.

Before starting my quest for the election paper I ate lunch. I started my search at the Safeway complex where I'd eaten lunch. Not surprisingly the metal paper holder thingy that works on the honor system was completely sold out. It's noon, I thought to myself, I'll find a paper elsewhere. Little did I know how desperate I'd become.

An hour later I'd scoured 5 other locations, covering a 5 mile east-west stretch of the City. No one had the paper. I chatted cordially with Barnes and Noble customer service employees, gas station attendants, and even one other poor soul I encountered who was on an identical quest at the Valero near the end of Town. No one could give me answers, no one could give me a paper. I had started the bright beautiful day full of hope and earnest optimism. By afternoon my life was becoming quite dismal. And let's be clear I'm not exaggerating by saying my whole life was looking bleak. This quest for the morning paper - with the election headline, "Obaminator Wins!" his face proud and smiling on the front page -this quest consumed every fibre of my being. I have no job, I have lots of free time, the paper search was my sole objective and the singular measure by which this bright new day would ultimately be judged. And things were not going well at all. So it is no exaggeration when I say that by 3PM yesterday November 5th nearly all my optimism and hope saw a dramatic reversal to utter despair and hopelessness. Hope + lessness, not Hope.

Empty Metal Newspaper Containers Are Really A Public Eyesore. Seriously. They Need better upkeep.

I returned home dejected, feeling trodden upon in a downward fashion. I had no election paper, I failed in my quest. Around 4PM I started to become increasingly paranoid about this whole sordid affair. Maybe Obama and his campaigners were in cahoots with newspaper execs. Those corporate fat cats with their big cushy expense accounts and fancy wing tipped shoes, and they're who-knows-what newsy attitudes. Maybe Obama and the Dems were in bed with the liberal media after all. Conspiracy theories were multiplying at a pace akin to Sarah Palin's family. And by that I truly do mean I had about 1 or 2 new conspiracy ideas the whole day. It seemed as clear as a half empty glass of water to me that the Newspaper Industry big-wigs, what with their big wigs and cushy jobs and big salaries, had gone as far as to mastermind the election of our nation's FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT with only one purpose... to increase the revenues of the ailing newspaper business. It was clear as day, indeed, people were waiting in lines as long as the voter lines from just a day prior, to buy the election paper. Some were hoarding and purchasing as much as 50 at a time in the Washington DC area. It was like a post Great War German Bread line except without the wheelbarrows of horribly inflated German money.

There was something even worse than the thought that big wig liberal media corporate fat cats having masterminded and enthroned a black president just for profits. It ringed very wall streety like to me, that's for sure, but there was something even more unsettling. What if only a few people had emptied the tin-metal old rubbish looking newspaper dispensary units that are commonly found in grocery store complexes and strip malls? What if some opportunistic liberal fat-cat-aspiring SOBs had inserted the $0.75 or $1.00 for the morning paper and instead taken ALL the copies... that would certainly have been against the honor code set up for the metal newspaper dispensary contraptions... and it also provided a conspiracy theory to compete with my earlier one about the Dems and the newspaper industry colluding to increase sales on Nov 5th. Because why would the newspaper companies want their papers to be stolen... why would they want to increase revenues at corner newsstands in New York City and other places like New York City, while at the same time losing suburban newspaper post election day revenues from their metal tin can newspaper box units?

It's a mystery I have yet to solve with all my free time today, this Wednesday November 6th, 2008. And I have a lot of free time. I lost money in the stock market, I don't work at all, I live at home with my parents... saying that I have free time is an understatement of the facts.

I will say this though: my "healthy cynicism" in our "nation" has been successfully "restored".

My friends... Hope + Lessness... Hope + Lessness. My friends.

Vacant Strip Mall from the 90s Boom that now has no anchor store.